-What’s the MC of M.C. going to pick for us?
-What does MC mean? Not Mainville City.
-Darryl Mac would tell you it stands for “mostly clean.”
Seph’s answer confused Mitch pretty good. Everybody in the room then waited in silence as Seph selected and put an album on his vintage record player. Of course they could have started talking, but everyone was too interested in what was going to be playing in the background. The notes only had to play a few seconds before Blair fell back into the couch, groaning. Random Bandit? Really?
-Hey Mr. DJ Trivia, started Blair, what did we do to deserve this?
-Oh come on.
-I’m serious. Are you trying to get information from us?
Seph smiled. You just haven’t heard them right, he explained. This album was the best thing to come out of 1982. Remembering drinks from a generation ago, Mitch went into the kitchen and brought back his personal three-fourths-full, two-liter bottle of orange Shasta. Getting something out of the fridge took Mitch about a minute and a couple clicks of a lighter but he came back a little more chilled, with a joint in his mouth and a soda bottle in his hand. Nobody cared about either. After taking a swig, Mitch offered the bottle to Emmit, who refused with a forced smile.
-Between this and your Jay-Z obsession, teased Blair.
-Careful now.
-You’ve got a lot of problems, Seph.
-Only ninety-nine.
Blair saw Seph wink and made sure he saw her eyes roll. She contemplated walking down the aisle to a band so devoid of class they make Whitesnake look like Simon and Garfunkel. Lily tried to imagine when such old music was modern, undoubtedly listened to by people who would then spread the word to friends via portable phones the size of printers. Emmit opened up his cell phone, wishing that he had one of the phones he could watch TV on. Or one of those phones that could make Seph and Mitch buy cable. Mitch, meanwhile, thought about untold horrors.
-You know what’s worse than being buried alive?
-What?
-Being buried alive with a hundred snakes.
-Thank you, Mitch.
Blair thought about the old nights, years ago, where the group of friends sat around, planning what to do with their immediate lives. These nights were Blair’s life and she didn’t regret one of them, even if she couldn’t remember any one specific night. Not wanting to miss this strange night of friends being back together, Blair suggesting getting her video camera out of Seph’s room. She didn’t receive any dissenting opinion and so went into the bedroom alone. Emmit felt unsettled about how nonchalantly Blair went into Seph’s room and jealous of how Seph hardly even noticed. Emmit tried to be a good friend and not feel anything. This thought made him realize that before the end of the night he was going to be buying alcohol because he needed it more than anybody else.
Lily watched Blair emerge with the digital video camera. Lily didn’t know much about acting but she knew the red light meant the camera was on. Or did that mean it was off? Lily asked Blair, who continued to watch everybody sitting around the room through her standard-sized LCD screen.
-Red light means it’s off, Grace Kelly.
-I don’t know cameras, but I know you.
-What does that mean?
-You’re lying. It’s on.
-It’s not lying if you’re just tricking people into saying something stupid.
-She’s right, confirmed Mitch. It’s like that one documentary I saw about asteroids. There were, like, these people in space. The one guy said, um, well he was blind because his helmet came off--
-Well put, Mitch, interrupted Seph.
-Mitch, you should be on TV, suggested Lily.
-Like a reality show?
-This is one of the worst reality shows I’ve ever seen, said Blair.
-You wouldn’t be saying that if you watched reality shows, countered Emmit.
-Now if only we were a bunch of drunken idiots who don’t deserve to be famous, said Seph.
-Then we could truly be happy, said Mitch
-We could buy--
-Is something burning, asked Seph out loud.
-Maybe, said Mitch as he smelled under his arms just to eliminate the possibility.
-I don’t smell anything, challenged Emmit.
-I think something is burning, said Lily and Blair in near harmony.
-I smell it, too, repeated Emmit.
Everybody looked at each other, hoping at least one of them, or an omniscient voice from above, would spill the answer. Neither happened immediately and Blair briefly focused her camera on each person’s confusion.
-You’re burning the music, cried Mitch.
Seph turned around just in time to see the lightly smoking record player burst into flames. A single spark turned the box of wires into an indoor campfire. This stopped the music but started a wave of screaming--and yet no barking. Unlike the people, Bogart didn’t know what was causing the excitement, but like the people he didn’t know how to respond.
Everybody jumped up out of their seats. Seph ran into the kitchen and everybody followed, only then to see Seph try turning around and have new unclear idea. Everybody shoved each other, nobody knowing exactly what they were doing. Smoke piled at the ceiling but no fire alarm went off--as Mitch had long since disabled it for his purposeful smoking.
Get out of the way! Find water! Oh shit! Oh shit! We should get out of the house! Pour the Shasta on it! No! That’ll spread the fire! Get a rug! We don’t have a rug! Is Shasta flammable? Use a T-shirt! Got one! Aw fuck, the T-shirt is on fire! I got water! Shit, it wasn’t enough! Screw it, I’m using the Shasta! No!
The bright, TV-sized flames immediately turned into citrus-flavored steam. Everybody jumped to not get splattered with the orange drink. As Mitch had wildly poured the Shasta as if trying to write his name in the snow and used almost the entire bottle, nobody was completely successful avoiding sticky splash-back.
-Wait. Okay. It’s gone. The Shasta got it.
Knowing he saved all their lives, Mitch triumphantly upturned the bottle and started drinking the rest of the Shasta. But then Bogart, just inside of Blair’s LCD screen, sneezed, causing Mitch to half-laugh, half-sneeze in response and just overall cause everybody to jump back. Lily then fell down and knocked Blair, stilling holding the camera, over. Unaware that the camera and Blair hit the ground, Emmit exclaimed that he saw Shasta come out of Mitch’s nose.
-Ahh! The Shasta! It burns!
Blair, still on the ground, turned off the camera. Emmit helped her up and Seph helped up Lily, who had trouble standing, still laughing. When everybody caught their breath and Mitch finished working soda out of his nostrils, Blair proudly boasted that she got it all on tape. The group watched the footage five times (laughing most at the high-pitched screaming) before Seph suggested that Blair put it online so that any of them could watch it whenever they want. Of course, consented Blair. She’d even make it public so that the group could show other friends if they wanted; though everybody, still embarrassed, denied they ever actually would.
-Speaking of friends…
-Let’s go to MG’s Pizza.
-No, let’s get some good pizza.
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