Seph called back Mitch and suggested everybody take John Tyler and Chester A. Arthur back to the museum. Both presidents were told they had traveled into the future and needed to go back to the museum. At first, Arthur was suspicious of Mitch, Emmit and Lily. He didn’t know who they were or why he should be listening to them. Arthur quizzed them on the news articles he had been reading for some time but grew frustrated when they couldn’t recall information about their own time period that even he knew. They didn’t know who had been nominated to be the new Secretary of Transportation. They didn’t know who the Prime Minister of France was. No, Arthur figured he’d have to find some other people to help him get back to his own time. Maybe some Stalwarts would help him.
Meanwhile, less than a mile away, Seph and Blair explained to Tyler that he needed to come with them to go back to the museum and prove he hadn’t been stolen. But if Arthur was difficult to push, Tyler was a goddamn glacier. Tyler accused Seph and Blair of being in league with Henry Clay—a name that meant nothing to them but a lot to Tyler. Apparently Tyler was having enough problems uniting the country under his leadership that he didn’t need to be a part of this crazy time-traveling prisoner business. The country could be up in flames back in the 1840s. Already pockets of the population were predicted the end of times, and now President Tyler knew he was missing. All the more reason to come with us, Blair argued. But Tyler had rage coming out of his ears and couldn’t hear Blair. And if he even did get back, how was anybody ever going to take him seriously? Tyler’s American society was on the verge of collapsing. His country now has no president. They don’t even have a vice-president. Everything was completely, inarguably and irrevocably fucked.
The more Arthur thought about his problem though, the less severe the problem seemed. Here he was, in the future; he could do anything. As Arthur considered the uncountable possibilities, Mitch got a call from Seph again. Arthur realized he could meet the president! Who cares if she was a woman, he had to meet the president! Which way to the Executive Mansion?
-What? No, said Lily. You stay here!
-I cordially disagree.
-Don’t leave!
-G’bye.
-Guys, they’re having trouble with John Tyler.
-John Tyler?
President John Tyler? Arthur couldn’t believe it. Tyler had died an old man when Arthur was still fighting in the Civil War. Okay, said Arthur. I don’t care who of you are Stalwarts and who aren’t, let’s go!
-Who’s stalling warts?
Arthur asked for the location of President Tyler and immediately started walking with a contagious sense of excitement. Emmit, Mitch and Lily followed—partially inspired by the man’s leadership, partially afraid that they couldn’t stop him physically. The man who stood at an easy 6’ 2” walked to Big Burger Place like a kid in the school hallway, speed walking to recess. Can’t run, that wasn’t allowed, but had to get there fast.
Mere minutes later.
-Sweet Jefferson’s ghost, it really is President John Tyler.
-Who in God’s name are you people?
-I’m President Chester A. Arthur, from the year 188—
-I don’t care.
Tyler was in the future; that much he was beginning to accept. Now maybe, he thought, there is a way to get back at the bastards in his own time. He had the biggest political advantage of all time: time itself. Every political battle, every war, could be won with unprecedented ease. But then Arthur interrupted Tyler’s planning.
-Mister President, you were a huge influence. You set the precedent for succession in the event of the president’s death. Because of you, vice-presidents become the president. You and I went through the same thing!
-The next thing you’re going through is that wall if you—
Tyler made it only that far through his own threat before the restaurant manager had everybody kicked out by the three largest employees and a half-hearted threat of “calling the cops.” In the parking lot, the friends were still confused, Tyler was offended by the commotion and Arthur felt burned by a man he respected. Tyler walked away from the group, unknowingly closer to the restaurant’s dumpster.
-It smells like rotten feta cheese out here, remarked Emmit.
-I think it’s vomit, said Mitch.
-It is vomit. They don’t sell feta cheese here, said Seph.
-Thanks guys, said Blair.
A strong whiff of the trash got President Tyler’s attention and turned him back towards the group. President Arthur began to ask Tyler what he last remember but was cut off.
-Let me figure out my own situation, suggested Tyler, and just go back to your own time and wife.
-I can’t. Nell died.
Tyler dropped his head, ashamed. Things were too out of hand. There was no political advantage here. Seph and Blair looked at each other and cringed. Awkward. Emmit tired to make eye contact with Blair but she never noticed him.
-I’m sorry.
-It’s okay, Mr. President.
-We have been through the same thing.
-I’m sorry president guys, said Emmit, but you’re a hundred years in the future. Your wives would be dead anyway. Everybody from back then is dead.
-Even the world’s oldest man nowadays would have been like only a baby, added Mitch.
Everybody thought about this, or a related matter, for a moment. Everyone had died but the world survived, maybe even improved. Tyler then asked Seph if he could visit his wife’s gravesite, if the future still had cemeteries. Arthur wanted to do likewise. What’s the best way to get to Albany, if the future still had Albany. Seph had been planning something since Arthur first showed up at the burger place but still didn’t have a plan until he started speaking.
-I’m sorry Mr. Presidents, but…the universe, the entire universe is in danger. If we don’t get you back to the museum in twenty minutes everything will be destroyed and you’ll never get back!
-Holy shit, said Mitch.
-Good God Man! Why didn’t you say this earlier, demanded Tyler.
-It doesn’t matter! Let’s go!
So all seven people started running to the museum in a mad panic. Mitch and Lily urged on Chester Arthur, who had a harder time running than his time-traveling counterpart of almost the same age. Seph kept yelling at everybody that they needed to run faster and they kept yelling at him that they were running as fast as possible. We know! Some black magic or higher power will destroy the universe! Motorists and bystanders watched the unusual race as it passed by. Emmit ran faster than anybody and got to the front steps first but didn’t know what to do after that. He ended up just clapping and yelling at the entrance. He also opened the front door to let everybody in when they finally caught up.
Everybody ran into the museum and came to a sudden stop in the entryway. There, Snow, the museum curator, stood over a collapsed and cowering Todd the Wizard. Snow was holding up Todd by the lapels of his mangy jacket with a surprising strength. Uselessly trying to shield himself moments earlier, Todd joined Snow in turning his head toward the group of friends and presidents who all interrupted his own bafflement and beating.
-Okay, said Snow. I can explain this.
-But, said Todd the Wizard. I can explain it better!
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