Across the street from Emmit’s house, three college students took alternating turns trying to start their lawnmower. Almost through the month of May, they were trying to mow the yard for the first time this year. Most weekends up to this point had been too cold and last weekend was too windy, and in fact they wouldn’t be mowing on this almost-cloudy day except they had received a rather threatening letter from the city.
Before they could get the small gas engine started, Emmit walked out his front door and saw Blair walking towards him from the street. Just Blair. Well, Blair and Emmit’s box of tools. Emmit could tell she had on a poker face, but couldn’t tell what hand she was holding. Blair gave Emmit the tools but not wanting to bother unlocking the front door again, he just continued walking to his car. Blair followed him and watched him throw the box in the back seat like dirty laundry. Actually there were some dirty clothes back there already. And a cereal box.
Emmit, not needing an invitation, told Blair he was just going out to buy Bogart a new chew toy. Apparently Bogart went and buried the old one someplace, or at least misplaced it.
Blair asked to tagalong with this canine-toy shopping. Emmit turned away from Blair to hide his surprise before turning back to her saying, of course she could. Perhaps more shocked than Emmit was Blair. She explained to him--or defended to herself--that Lily was just busy with her own life, maybe with her parents, maybe with Mitch. But Emmit disagreed with that last part; Lily doesn’t like Mitch in that way. Somewhat offended that Emmit seemingly knew more about Lily than herself, Blair resolved that communication was the key determination of friends. By the time of this internal conclusion, Blair and Emmit were in the parking lot of the animal-centric, mega-mart, Safe Pet Bet.
-Is this what famous people do with their lives, asked Emmit.
-It’s what they do today.
Inside the store, Emmit saw a giant display for a new line of dog chew toys that absorbed dog drool so that the dog would never make a mess while playing with the toy. While Emmit wouldn’t have ever thought of such an invention, he realized it made perfect sense. The drool absorbing technology also warranted the higher than average price tag. However, it was also on a “buy two, get one free” deal that would only last another week. Yeah, these three identical toys were perfect for Bogart.
But Blair disagreed. Blair was not only suspicious of an anti-drool technology, but also thought getting three of them was a tad excessive. Blair and Emmit then made the same argument to each other: in a week, everybody will have that same dog toy. Emmit said he was getting in the check out line. Bogart was his dog. Blair said she was going to go look for a new toy to get Bogart herself and left Emmit standing at the toy display, no farther than thirty feet from the entrance and the exit.
As soon as Blair was out of eyesight, Emmit realized he had made a mistake. He didn’t wallow in this realization for long though as Addison, a former coworker of his, walked into the store. She had dark eyes that weren’t so much narrow as they were sharp. She had worked in a university lab with Emmit, just plugging in nameless data for a few summer months years ago. At first, she was as friendly as any coworker is expected to be but overtime allowed Emmit to see her more natural sarcasm. Though they never worked together again, the two stayed in lukewarm communication. The kind of friendship Emmit thanked and blamed the instant-information age for creating.
Emmit had never figured out if Addison liked him or not, as she always seemed as nice to him as she was to anyone. More compounding, her sarcasm always muddied the conversations for Emmit. Today, Addison was buying a new scratch post for her cat after her new best friend forever threw up on it during her last party. Who? Oh, The Emma--who actually wants to be called Bella now. Emmit had forgotten that but didn’t really care. Addison dryly pointed out that now the world puts a premium on memorably beautiful names, you know, in case someone’s personality isn’t memorable enough. That’s why Addison claimed she was changing her name to Gertrude Hockersmith.
-Gertrude? Um, okay. That’s cool.
-Emmit, I was being sarcastic.
-Well, duh. Of course. So was I.
If a roof was ever going to collapse on Emmit, he wanted it to be right now.
-You with Blair, Addison asked rather gently.
-Yeah, she’s around here somewhere.
-Well, it’s a big store.
-The store is so big you’d swear it was just for elephant toys.
Addison politely laughed and Emmit smiled. It felt good to flirt again, though only Emmit would consider this exchange as flirting and hated himself for it.
-When did you get--Addison looked at the chew toy--a dog?
-About a year ago. Blair had said she wanted a dog but her place doesn’t allow them.
-Right. Because they’re always late with the rent.
-Yeah, no the dog doesn’t pay rent.
-How quaint.
-Any ways, he’s mine. I kind of got him because of her though.
-She has a type.
-Yeah. I don’t remember the last time she bought me a toy, though.
-Still, that’s quite a commitment.
-No kidding. But don’t tell Blair any of that. She can’t know.
-Please. Somebody is lying in a relationship? I’m calling the presses.
-We’re just friends.
-Yeah, that’s why I’m being nice.
-Oh.
Emmit took this misunderstanding to mean Addison was being purposefully nice to him because he and Blair were just friends. Mildly excited at the prospect of having a girl in his life that isn’t dating his best friend, Emmit tried to come up with a sarcastic way to ask out Addison. Unfortunately this was all too confusing for him and left him in silence just long enough for Addison to feel unusually awkward. Saying goodbye, she then walked down an aisle, leaving Emmit just a little slower than Blair had minutes ago. Emmit looked at the signs hanging high above his head, trying to get pointed in the right direction.
While Blair considered buying a cheap, rubber, squeaky, television remote control, Addison walked past the aisle and noticed her. While Addison explained her presence at the store with no less than five or six sarcastic lies, Blair got distracted thinking about how pointless it is to try to keep up with Addison. Is sarcasm smart humor? Blair internally conceded that Addison was funny in small doses. It seemed Addison’s only goal in life was to make herself laugh—a rare occurrence indeed. It was also frustrating to Blair that Addison was always so immersed in herself, that she wouldn’t allow other people make her laugh. Wait, was that about puking on a cat? Whatever.
-And Emmit’s looking for you, Blair.
-It’ll take him a while to find me.
-Right; because it’s a big store.
-The store is so big you’d swear it was just for elephant toys.
-Wow. That joke must be contagious.
Emmit stole my joke from when we dated, realized Blair. Fine, he can keep it. It’s a stupid joke anyway. I hope Addison at least laughed the first time. Making Addison laugh would be worth more than a thousand anonymous online compliments.
-So you talked to Emmit?
-Yeah. He said you guys were back together.
-Oh?
-Yeah. But I left my car on fire outside, so we didn’t talk about much else.
-Right. Same here.
-Okay, well, we should get lunch sometime. Bye.
Was that sarcastic? Blair had no idea any more. This whole world had become way too sarcastic for Blair’s tastes. At the checkout line, Blair showed Emmit the fake remote control. Now you’ll know when Bogart wants to watch TV, Blair said with a less than stellar comedic delivery. Unfortunately for Blair, she had forgotten Emmit was a little more receptive than the two guys normally in her life, and picked up on the tone.
-You know, Blair, Bogart likes you. He likes you a lot.
-Apparently he’s not alone.
-Right, Seph.
-This isn’t about Seph.
-I don’t even know what “this” is.
Blair thought for a moment. Emmit was playing dumb and she wasn’t going to get emotional at a pet store, even if they were in the parking lot by this point. You didn’t say anything to Addison about us? Blair questioned like a lawyer--that is, already knowing the answer.
-I said a couple of things, Emmit defended.
-So she wasn’t lying?
-No. I can’t believe she told you though.
-Who else knows?
-Nobody. It’s just that a dog is a lot of work.
-Wrong route to go to show your feelings there, Romeo.
-So what do I do about Bogart?
-I don’t care about Bogart right now. Here’s his toy.
Blair got out of Emmit’s car in the driveway and walked across the street to her parked car. Her face was burning but even she didn’t know why. The guys across the street had gotten the lawn mower started and mowed a third of their front yard but got distracted taking a beer break. The sweatiest of them yelled at Emmit while Blair was still within earshot. While meant to be funny, it didn’t make anybody feel better.
-Hey! Does that Shasta still burn!?!
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